


Ass-assin

by PoisonJack



Category: Borderlands, Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: Assassination Attempt(s), Established Relationship, General au, Jack is a Little Shit, M/M, More ass-puns than anyone has the right to make, Rhys as Jack's PA, frankly he doesn't get paid enough to put up with this kind of shit haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 07:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6745333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonJack/pseuds/PoisonJack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhysie's butt suffers some collateral damage in a assassination attempt on Jack. Then his dignity endures the same. This was a tumblr prompt to get me to 100 fics:) </p>
<p>"Classic 'Someone is trying to assassinate Jack but Rhys gets shot instead', but Rhys gets shot in the ass. Obviously, still a problem, but slightly more hilarious than getting shot somewhere more fatal. Feel free to make as many puns on 'ass-assin' as you like. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ass-assin

**Author's Note:**

> This was too fun. Jack is an ass xD
> 
> Also on my tumblr [here](http://purge-that-urge-rhackathon.tumblr.com/post/143511148160/a-prompt-maybe-classic-someone-is-trying-to).

“I hate you.”

“Come on, pumpkin–”

“You’re the worst.”

“Baby-”

“I was shot in the _ass_ , Jack. I don’t need to hear your damn puns.”

“Kitten,” Jack began, crouching down in front of Rhys to take his hand while the younger man lay prone on his belly in a hospital bed. “If you don’t let me make those ‘damn puns’, then I’m going to go on one of those murder sprees you’re so against just based on the off-chance that one of the people I kill is the person who did this to you.”

Rhys exhaled angrily from his nose, but couldn’t find fault with Jack’s reasoning. The older man needed to occupy his thoughts with something other than his intense need for retribution, otherwise he would indeed do something messy and entirely unnecessary and completely Jack-like. Those murderous impulses needed to be tempered. Even if it was by making stupid butt-jokes at Rhys’ expense. He wasn’t seriously injured at least; nothing important was hit than just meat. It still hurt though.

“Still though,” Rhys grumped, watching the CEO as Jack stood back up. “ _Ass_ -assin?”

“You got shot in the ass by an assassin. You can’t expect me to let that go,” Jack argued with raised brow. Rhys only scowled. “I almost want to make the guy’s death quick just for the comedy gold of the situation.”

“It’s not comedy gold,” Rhys growled. “It fucking _hurts_.”

“ _Baby_ ,” Jack came before him again to box his face in with his hands, pressing his lips to the younger man. He then touched their foreheads together as he spoke with meaning. “I’m going to pamper and spoil your cute ass until you’re better than new.” Rhys rolled his eyes which only made Jack smirk. “I have a deeply personal investment in your ass, after all. Quite deep.”

“Okay knock it off,” Rhys said grumpily. 

It got him another kiss from Jack before the CEO was up again and gently stroking at the younger man’s back. He was careful where he touched and how firmly. All joking aside, he was livid that Rhys had taken a bullet meant for him. The audacity of the piss-poor excuse of an assassin to have taken a shot at him in a public space– and completely _miss_ \- enraged Jack for the lack of skill befitting his status and for the damage it had done to his hot PA.

“No one is more invested in healing your ass than I am, kiddo,” Jack told him with a smirk.

“You aren’t laying so much as a finger on me until I can sit down again, Jack,” Rhys warned him.

“Sugar, honey pie, sweetheart-” Jack began, running two fingers under Rhys’ chin to have him look at the CEO, “-that’s why God gave you a mouth.”

“I hate you.” Jack’s laughs echoed off the sterile room, and Rhys sent the most annoyed glower he could at the man. “I’m not blowing you for an entire month.”

The CEO just sat next to him still chuckling while Rhys muttered about Jack being a jackass and how that name was befitting and how he was going to have a stupid scar. Jack pet him and promised to find whoever was responsible, and that he’d take care of the younger man all joking aside. The ass assassin would be dealt with. And Rhys could go back to being his ass-istant.

Rhys told him he could kiss his ass. Jack winked and told him no problem.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never had so much fun making as many ass jokes as I have here LOLOL Very fun prompt.
> 
> Come say hi :) Many more fics on my tumblr :)  
> <http://purge-that-urge-rhackathon.tumblr.com>


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